Springtime at Quantico
by mabelreid
Summary: my second entry to the bad fic contest. One shot. Morgan thought it would be just another day at the office. Boy, was he ever wrong!


_Disclaimer: see my profile_

_**A/n this is my second offering for the bad fic contest. Beware of severe OOC behavior. This is a hard PG-13, you have been warned. **_

Morgan supposed that he should have known things were going to be out of control due to the date on the calendar. He never suspected that it would be as bad as it was. He pulled up to his usual parking spot in the base garage and shut off the engine. His phone was hooked to his belt and his ready bag was tucked into the back seat, repacked that morning for any new case that might come along.

He grabbed the bag and got out of the car. His ears were immediately assaulted by what sounded like a screaming, terrified woman. He pulled his gun from his belt and slid around the SUV that was parked next to his truck. He inched slowly around another corner with the gun pointed at the ceiling. He stepped around the truck and was lowering the gun when he suddenly realized that he wasn't hearing screams.

The orange convertible was easily recognizable, as was the blonde woman in the back seat. The top was down and so were her blouse and bra. Her head was thrown back in the obvious throws of passion while a pair of hands busied themselves at her lush breasts.

"Oh God… Kevin… Baby, you _are_ my tech God!

He couldn't believe what he was hearing or seeing. The garage had cameras after all. What had got into his baby girl?

"Penelope…" He shouted.

She jerked, fell forward, and he heard a yelp and a groan, then she was looking up over the edge of the white leather seat. Her dark eyes went from fear to anger when they fell on him, but he stood his ground.

"What the hell are you doing? Have you lost your mind?" He continued in the same shout.

"Get out of here Derek!"

"No! Do you _want_ to get fired?"

"Derek!"

"Fine, but don't come crying to me when they boot you out."

He headed to the elevator, thinking that he'd never get the image of her out of his mind. She'd looked good. He wondered what the rest of her looked like naked.

_Stop it! She loves Kevin!_

_God knew why but she did!_

---

He passed the rest of the morning trying to do paperwork and ignore Reid and Emily, who were playing chess as they had somehow managed to finish their work hours before he got halfway through his. He looked up at Hotch's window and saw that his boss was still staring out the window at the bullpen as he had been all morning.

"Hey guys… What's the matter with Hotch?"

"Hm…" Emily said absently.

Reid moved his knight. "Ah ha… Your queen is trapped. Do you want to surrender now, Milady?" He said in a very bad Scottish accent.

Emily, who was losing on purpose to keep her boy toy happy, said. "_Oh, _who will save me now, brave knight?" in a high-pitched little girl's voice.

"You want to stop with the verbal foreplay, I'm getting sick." Morgan growled.

"Let's go try out the supply closet down the hall." Reid said as though Morgan wasn't there.

"Okay…"

They took off up the stairs and down the hallway together. Morgan was unfortunate enough to witness Emily grab Reid by the crotch as he stood up to leave his desk. Then, Reid winked at him, which nearly made Morgan fall out of his chair.

That was it! He should have called in sick. It was just too dangerous to come out on this day of all days. Someone should have warned him it was going to be bad and he would have stayed home.

Hotch was still staring down at him. His lips were moving, but Morgan couldn't make out what he was saying so he decided to just go up and ask him what was wrong. He'd thought his boss was over Haley but the way he looked now, maybe not.

---

He knocked on Hotch's door and opened it when the voice inside told him tersely to come in. Hotch had gone to his desk and was writing something on a yellow legal pad.

"Damn… I just can't get it right. The rhyme just doesn't make sense."

"Hotch. Is everything okay?"

"No! I can't seem to get the rhyme down right."

"What?"

"I'm trying to write a poem."

"You are?" Morgan fought the urge to laugh.

"_Yes! _Is that a problem for you Morgan?"

"No!"

"I just can't seem to get it right. She's beautiful and sexy; she's outspoken and knows what she wants. She's successful and she doesn't take any crap from anyone. She's the greatest!"

Morgan dug a finger in his ear. He couldn't be talking to Hotch. Perhaps aliens had replaced his boss. The FBI could pull that off. After all, there was Roswell and Area 51...

"… You could help me Morgan."

"Huh," He looked back at his boss who actually looked like he might cry. "Hotch!"

"Help me figure out what to say to Erin."

"_Erin_, who's Erin?"

"Erin Strauss, the most beautiful woman in the world."

"What?" Morgan knew he'd gone deaf and stupid. This wasn't happening.

"Erin Strauss, I know she wanted me out of here, but I figure that's just because she likes me. You know, like a kid at elementary school hits a girl because he likes her."

"Hotch… I don't think that -"

"I know what you're thinking. She's married, and it isn't right, but I don't care."

It was official; Hotch had lost his mind, just like everyone in the office. Morgan thought it was time to leave before something bad happened to him.

"Um… I'll just go now."

He got up to leave. "Morgan."

He stopped and turned around with trepidation. "Morgan, do you think I should just go tell her how I feel?"

"No! I don't think you should do that."

"You're right; I should take the bull by the horns and just do it." Hotch said, ignoring Morgan.

"But -"

Hotch brushed past him with a large smile on his face.

Morgan stood there and then decided it was time to leave. He left the office and headed down the hall to visit the restroom before going home. He passed the supply closet and tried not to listen to the moans and the thumps that were coming from inside. Emily was screaming as Garcia had been that morning and despite the urge to vomit, he had to give Reid credit for his prowess.

JJ's office was down the hall and he was very surprised to hear heavy metal music coming from inside. He looked in through the window and began to laugh at the sight inside. He was through being surprised at the behavior of his coworkers.

JJ was wearing a black leather corset with black lace panties. She also wore high-heeled black boots and she waved a whip through the air at Rossi who was on his knees in front of her. The song in the background was "Girls, Girls, Girls." Rossi was crying out every time she brought the whip down on his bare back.

"Have you been a naughty boy?" JJ was saying.

That was enough for Morgan. It was time to leave. He went to the rest room and as he was coming back out, he saw Strauss go into Hotch's office. Then Reid and Emily left the closet holding hands and looking mutually disheveled and satisfied. Reid winked at him and pulled Emily back to his desk.

Morgan went back to Hotch's office despite something telling him just to walk away. He knocked on the door, but no one replied. The door swung open and he saw Hotch sitting at his desk with Strauss nowhere to be seen. His boss was leaning back in the chair with his hands clutching the arms.

"Hotch are you alright…"

His boss jerked and his eyes popped open. He groaned and jerked in his chair again. "Thanks baby." He said ignoring Morgan who watched in horror as Erin Strauss crawled out from under the desk. Hotch then stood and zipped up his pants.

_What the hell was going on?_

"Can we help you Agent Morgan?" She said in her lady of the manor tone, while giving him a scowl he was familiar with from the case they worked together.

"Um no… I'm not feeling well. Hotch, I need some sick time."

"You'd feel better if you went out and got laid, Agent Morgan," Hotch said as he put an arm around Erin and kissed her full on the mouth while his hand slipped up under her suit jacket.

"Oh God… I am not hearing or seeing this. Goodbye!"

It was official! The next time it was the first day of spring and the thoughts of young men turned to love, he was staying home!


End file.
